A death in the family

I have been informed today by my father that my mother called him earlier in the day to tell him that my cat passed away. He was hit by a car... but must not have suffered much, which is the only possible fact that I can find solace in.

Chairman Meow. I named him that because he was so vocal. He ate a little more than most cats, I suppose his love of food was what did him in in the end...

I had him since he was a kitten. He would wait for me outside like a dog whenever I came home and run up to me like a dog. He'd sit in my lap, purring his snorkel purr, while I pet him.

Since I left overseas and came back, I haven't been at my parents' house enough to hang out with him. I'd give him lots of love every time I came by, and Tari would whenever she stopped by, but I wish I could have been there for him, one last time, to give him the love I always gave him.




I'm going to miss you, my cat... and if I'm in heaven when I die, I hope you'll be there to see me. :'(

Web, web will tear us apart, again...

Okay, I apologize for the subject title. I'm not creative enough to do more than a pastiche of Joy Division, and I don't even like them. Anyway, here goes:

Walking today with my dad, I thought of something regarding humanity in general. Perhaps my musings were brought on by my good mood--a rarity for me this day and age, and probably induced by some meds I am taking for depression... the topic of which is a seperate entry in and of itself, one which I don't wish to indulge in... suffice it to say, I have a history of dealing with depression, and these past several months have been extremely difficult, and although I hate medication and the concept of taking medication, I have found that it's helping me to see life in less of a grayscale.

But I digress. Back on topic.

I thought of how the internet, although giving the ability for others to communicate instantaneously no matter what the distance, has not helped us as a race get together better but deadened us to each others' lives.

It's nothing new. There are countless theories about how technologies push us apart rather than bring us together. I just happened to be thinking on the subject on my walk.

Think about it. For the less social of humanity, a false outlet has been created; one that allows the shy to be more social in text, but virtually unlettered and illiterate, to use reading terminology, in speech and social interaction. I went through adolescence somewhat this way; it's hard to even believe that I made friends in high school.

In come message boards. Forums. Freedom to post whatever opinion you want on whatever topic. But ah, there is where our mutually assured hatred begins, in opinions. Opinions over the stupidest shit. Name calling, "flame warz," however you want to term it. Pointless bickering over stupid shit. The anonymity of posting whatever you want under an ersatz sobriquet giving a blank, faceless attacker spewing out misspelled curses and insults.

Our capacity for patience, at least in the United States, is almost virtually nonexistent. In New Mexico it's not nearly as bad as New York, where a minute is measured pretty much in one snap of the fingers. I suppose the find art of pen pal-ing is dead; what with instant messengering (not even email suffices anymore; it seems we lost the patience for that, too). Who wants to wait for a painstakingly handwritten letter (painstaking this day and age, I suppose, for anyone to pick up a pen and write more than a few sentences).

I'm rambling, I guess. But I think that technology--in this instance, the internet--has not brought us together but taught us to hate each other better.

Una opinión general sobre tatuajes y el significado de mi tatuaje

Pienso que los tatuajes se han aceptado en "la corriente principal," o en Inglés, "the mainstream." Porsupuesto, éste es de hecho el caso. Creo que éste en una buena cosa; cuál estaba una vez el símbolo de un criminal se ha convertido en un símbolo de la mismo-expresión. Pero también creo que esto ha corrompido el concepto de la uno mismo-expresión y lo ha hecho en algo enfímero, sin significado.

El único tatuaje que tengo ahora es el nombre de Dios en árabe, cúal se transcribe como "Allah" en el alfabeto latino. Este tatuaje es en mi brazo derecho. Lo conseguí no debido a cualquier convicción religiosa, pero algo debido a mis sentimientos espirituales y culturales. Yo creo en algo mayor que mismo... aunque no tengo ninguna religión, creo esto. Y porque mi gran abuelo era un árabe sirio, que significa que la parte de mi ascendencia es árabe, deseé expresar esto.

No deseé cualquier cosa elaborado, sólo algo simple que significó algo a mí... como el arte japonés tradicional, que incorpora belleza a simplicidad.




Well, my Spanish is a bit rusty, but there you go. Yes, I had to check some verb conjugations for the past tense and some vocabulary words, but I got it down without too much help. I find this a good way to practice it. I can't churn out something like this in Turkish, French or Arabic, but when I get to that point I'll definitely give it a shot.

Memories Remain

So I may have thought that I made a mistake, going to graduate school overseas almost a year ago. Bilkent Üniversitesi, in Ankara, Turkey, was my choice that I accepted and then declined after three months. And it's been a painful year of reminiscing about it...

... the arrival as a stranger in a strange land, barely knowing enough Turkish to tell the cabbie to take me to the university... the lonely days, lonely nights, taking the bus to Çankaya by myself, walking around, buying cheap, spicy köfte (see picture) wrapped in flatbread with fresh-squeezed portakal suyu (that would be orange juice)... talking with friends I made over there but never really getting anywhere, helping my Korean dorm-mate Kim with his English, traipsing through the city with my German friend Christian, drinking Danish beer and smoking the nargile with my Kazakh friend Zhar and my Croatian friend Vjeran in the Turkish equivalent of a bar and grill, working up a sweat in the fitness center that was only open until 7:00 PM... tossing and turning in a fitful sleep in the spartan dorm bunks, classes that progressed so slowly, loneliness setting in with studying constantly, all work and no play makes Ramon a dull boy, no women to pursue and slake my lust and loneliness, seeing the blue truck of the Jandarma patrol the University roads every night, walking those same University roads and listening to Michael Jackson or the NESkimos or the Damned or Nomeansno on an mp3 CD, depression setting in and debilitating me, the decision made upon a simple night's walk that I was depressed as fuck and needed to get out of that stifling atmosphere as soon as possible, the plane ticket, the flight home...

But I'll be damned if I let my painful memories rule my life and my interpretation of the past.

The good and the bad are remembered, but also I must always remember that it was a decision, not a failure. And I'm probably better for my whole experience, even if I could not bring myself to stick around for my whole graduate program.

I've spent my life for so long believing that I'm worthless, believing it when other people said or implied in any way that I mean nothing, and I'm sick and tired of it. It's time that their opinions don't matter, and that my negative self opinion doesn't matter.

I'm here, I'm alive, and I'm preparing to go to graduate school again... stateside, here in New Mexico, at the eponymous New Mexico State University, a scant three hours from my new hometown of Albuquerque, in a little city somewhat near the Mexican border called Las Cruces.

Building one's self esteem from the rubble left over and not sorted out since adolescence is not something that can and will happen overnight, but I'm working on it. Very slowly. And with noticeable progress.

So let's give this established joke that is life a shove, eh? Together we run to the highest prop, tearing it down and letting the fucker drop!*

Not bad for a first entry, I say.
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* With much apologies to the late Darby Crash for my pilfering of his lyrics, in these two sentences and in the very title of my blog itself :P